Thursday, September 2, 2010

Ninjas Vs. Zombies (2008)

 First off here is a tid bit from the actual website for this film, which to be quite frank made me laugh the moment I read it. NVZ has been called "An episode of Friends meets Spider Man, with a side of Jackie Chan. Oh-and then bloodthirsty zombies show up and start eating everybody." Seven friends, struggling with late 20s, early 30s life, find themselves in terrifying danger when a long-dead loved one is magically resurrected and starts devouring souls. To make matters worse, three of them have been granted the power of the ninja, and now must lead the fight against a power they cannot hope to vanquish. If they fail, the undead will overrun their little town, and maybe the world. What follows is a whirlwind of magic, swordplay, hand to hand combat, gunfire and simmering sarcasm. From high flying flips to full-on melee, from a claustrophobic last stand to a Star Wars worthy katana battle, NINJAS VS ZOMBIES is a chilling, laugh out loud, edge of your seat adventure.

One thing I want to know is....what movie did I watch? Because it wasn't the one described above. First of all... this is not in any way a zombie film. I say this due the blatant fact that within the first five minutes of this film, the "zombie" took the token-black woman, threw her to the side, then glared into the eyes of the token-fat guy, both of whom were in the middle of a make-out session, with out eating either of them. Apparently, they have a taste for souls as opposed to the taste of flesh, this soul sucking of course turns the victim into a "zombie". Oh, did I mention this zombie can talk? Yeah, this is soooo not a zombie film... this should come with a warning label: Beware very bad acting ahead!

 Make a note if you ever want to be a soul sucking zombie that you should monologue (plenty of those to be found) your victims to death and be sure to let them have breakfast as you do. Because we all know, a fed victim makes a good "zombie"... mmm got to have your fruit loops. I am still trying to figure out where the ninjas fit in, of course I have yet to find where the plot fits in as well. I mean B flicks are supposed to be bad, but this makes me want to press the stop button and chuck it into the garbage disposal.

  So we buzz passed the comic book eating zombies, who seem to enjoy first editions... another side note, they like big flat screen TVs. No worries citizens when it comes to evading zombies! Just show them your big shiny TV. I have to say I did enjoy the rant from the supposed "virgin" who claims she did everything except having sex... yeah, right-that is definitely going to save you. (Nice touch on adding to the cliche accoutrement of this film.) Note to the would be virgins, this tactic doesn't work when soul sucking hordes descend upon you... some how they know the truth. Speaking of the cliche, now enter the squishy mage, oh look now we are delving into the bowls of el diablo... ripped from the pages of Dungeons & Dragons; he happens to be the brother of the bad guy. Still waiting for where the ninjas will fit in whilst they toss about "zombies" with a dash of black magic.

 Squishy mage summons a very creepy little girl (...flashback to Resident Evil...) who is apparently the spirit of an all-knowing book. I have to say kudos on the deep demonic voice spewing forth from the vocal cords of an already creepy child. As she conjures this voice, she sarcastically explains that it should be obvious to all that only Ninjas can kill the zombies.... Wow, really? (another side note: Ninja skills are great for cleaning houses. I wonder if I could hire one to clean my house.) So now we introduce the Nin-jah... or in this case really inept Tae-Bo fighters... Billy Blanks would be proud. Remember kids learn Tae-Bo so you too can survive in a zombie apocalypse. As for the ninjas in this film they fall very short to being anything like Jackie Chan, more like Kung Fu Fooey on crack.

 It turns out the ninjas are magically able to wield a Bo Staff and Katanas... the ninja skills (or lack thereof), are actually a lot better than the so-called gore in this film. The lack of gore is now replaced with a boxing zombie... classy. I find this film is unforgettable, only because it is now etched into my mind... it's like watching a train wreck, just can't look away. The only difference between this film and the train wreck would be that the wreck would actually have blood and carnage. I can't even bring myself to talk about the ending of this film... but comparing it to anything in Star Wars is heresy, as a Star Wars fan I am majorly offended-well not majorly... more like slightly annoyed. I will say one thing, at least Jedi didn't decide to use a blaster and abandon their lightsabers.

 All in all this film is what happens when very lonely Dungeons and Dragons players get really bored. I would not recommend this to anyone, seriously... don't waste your life or money. Positive side to this film-at least it isn't as long as Titanic.