Boy Eats Girl (2005) Stephen Bradley

A mother who loves her son...so touching.. she is willing to raise him from the dead. The tag line for the movie "This zombie loves his girlfriend for her brains"....I was unaware that zombies even had girlfriends. Oh wait, wasn't there a movie from 1993 called My Boyfriend's Back.....hmm, new idea anyone? I have to say that this movie does differ slightly from it's predecessor of the 90's. I did, sadly enough, find myself watching the previous mentioned movie of my childhood. I now remember why I had not watched it since, that being said though, there are a profound amount of similarities along with a few subtle differences.

  We start this film in a Catholic church in Ireland...old churches, such as the one in this film, are uber creepy by themselves... not to mention the priests who run them add to the creepiness. Not even five minutes into this film, I am already sensing a Romeo and Juliet esque plot... the boy who likes the pretty girl who just happend to be a good friend but her father despises him. This sounds a bit familiar... Oh, right the plot of the mass of teen related films on the market-My bad! So why not a zombie film. Thus far I am not disliking it... just wondering about the voo-doo factor considering this is Ireland-though the priest does explain that the voo-doo ceremonies come from a pagan book. All right then, we shall just go with that.

 As I continue to view this film, I am already making the predictions of who will go first. Per my usual instinct, which are usually correct, the Jock who dislikes the main character Nathan and his lacky will most likely be the first to go. Then there is the father of the heroine, who in my opinion is a major Douche Bag. Not only is he the kind of dad who's only standards for a possible suitor is that he must have money and a really nice car, but he likes to hit on girls the same age as his daughter... blech! I think I just vomited in my mouth some. Nathan discovers his love interest in the car of some sleazy guy and assumes she is one of those girls... which leads him to drinking. His emo antics of my heart is now crushed so I am going to attempt suicide goes off with out a hitch thanks to some accidental assistance from his poor mother. This leads to a few flashes of blood, a pagan book of voo-doo ceremonies, than a perfectly fine Nathan... who is no worse for wear other than his craving for human flesh.

As this film progresses you discover one of the things that sucks about being a voo-doo zombie who is in his adolescent prime... the girls may think you like boys as much as they do. Remember no more blood flow... talk about being the nightmare for guys. Anyway I digress, comes to find out that one bite from Nathan the voo-doo zombie his victims-like the aforementioned Jock- you don't get to be a lucid zombie but the typical shambling flesh eater... so anyone in the vicinity is free game. One zombie leads to a horde of zombies, thus the "apocalypse" begins. Nice touch by the way, when the teacher tells the Jock zombie to 'spit it out' and he actually does spit a finger at him. The gore of this film is rather well done... not too much but just enough to make even a horror nut like me happy.

The zombie spread seems to be your typical phase one outbreak... though it doesn't seem to spread as fast as I would assume since it began amongst the teenage crowd. I am a bit disappointed in the lack of rampant zombies, though they did give a good try at it. I did however find a few scenes that made me giddy... there are some very well thought out moments by the director where a few zombies turn up on unsuspecting victims. Unlike it's predecessor My Boyfriends Back this film doesn't come across as spoofy, it does have it's campy moments, which are as fleeting as an old woman on a moped. I do have to say that the zombies seem to take a lot of force to be brought down... which isn't very typical of these type of films, which is in its own way a bit refreshing.

 Now as I commonly do, I raise an eyebrow to the fact that the zombies can be turned back... which I have to remind myself is the way with voo-doo zombies. My first thought when this concept arises in these type of films usually relates to the sauntering few who have missing limbs, mortal wounds or even entrails hanging... which is why I find myself questioning this line of thinking. I guess if you do have to fortune of being turned back it just sucks to be you. My favorite line thus far once the "cure" is discovered, comes when Nathan's two best friends and the popular easy girl are in a closet hiding out... "We should stay in here until dawn. Doesn't that kill them?" "No, that's vampires." "What!? There are vampires, too?" This made me chuckle a bit.

 The other scene that delighted me, is one with a tractor with side tillers or something of that sort... oh the zombie massacre that ensues feels me with glee. It is a bit over the top but I am one who appreciates the the organs and body parts spread across the lawn... I love these simple and subtle touches. Then it's here we go... lets set zombies on fire! Always a bad idea, but this only pans out because the numbers have dwindled down. Otherwise, any other time flaming zombies are bad... one flaming zombie leads to an angry horde of flaming zombies. I have to say for a zombie film this was pretty okay... the zombies portrayed show an genre not usually as popular. I would recommend this film to anyone who wants to watch a romantic, funny, gore filled film. Though there are times it borders closely to being a zombie porn film... course the title would work for that as well. Surprised Ron Jeremy hasn't already thought of that.

Ninjas Vs. Zombies (2008)

 First off here is a tid bit from the actual website for this film, which to be quite frank made me laugh the moment I read it. NVZ has been called "An episode of Friends meets Spider Man, with a side of Jackie Chan. Oh-and then bloodthirsty zombies show up and start eating everybody." Seven friends, struggling with late 20s, early 30s life, find themselves in terrifying danger when a long-dead loved one is magically resurrected and starts devouring souls. To make matters worse, three of them have been granted the power of the ninja, and now must lead the fight against a power they cannot hope to vanquish. If they fail, the undead will overrun their little town, and maybe the world. What follows is a whirlwind of magic, swordplay, hand to hand combat, gunfire and simmering sarcasm. From high flying flips to full-on melee, from a claustrophobic last stand to a Star Wars worthy katana battle, NINJAS VS ZOMBIES is a chilling, laugh out loud, edge of your seat adventure. http://nvzmovie.com/about_us/synopsis.php

One thing I want to know is....what movie did I watch? Because it wasn't the one described above. First of all... this is not in any way a zombie film. I say this due the blatant fact that within the first five minutes of this film, the "zombie" took the token-black woman, threw her to the side, then glared into the eyes of the token-fat guy, both of whom were in the middle of a make-out session, with out eating either of them. Apparently, they have a taste for souls as opposed to the taste of flesh, this soul sucking of course turns the victim into a "zombie". Oh, did I mention this zombie can talk? Yeah, this is soooo not a zombie film... this should come with a warning label: Beware very bad acting ahead!

 Make a note if you ever want to be a soul sucking zombie that you should monologue (plenty of those to be found) your victims to death and be sure to let them have breakfast as you do. Because we all know, a fed victim makes a good "zombie"... mmm got to have your fruit loops. I am still trying to figure out where the ninjas fit in, of course I have yet to find where the plot fits in as well. I mean B flicks are supposed to be bad, but this makes me want to press the stop button and chuck it into the garbage disposal.

  So we buzz passed the comic book eating zombies, who seem to enjoy first editions... another side note, they like big flat screen TVs. No worries citizens when it comes to evading zombies! Just show them your big shiny TV. I have to say I did enjoy the rant from the supposed "virgin" who claims she did everything except having sex... yeah, right-that is definitely going to save you. (Nice touch on adding to the cliche accoutrement of this film.) Note to the would be virgins, this tactic doesn't work when soul sucking hordes descend upon you... some how they know the truth. Speaking of the cliche, now enter the squishy mage, oh look now we are delving into the bowls of el diablo... ripped from the pages of Dungeons & Dragons; he happens to be the brother of the bad guy. Still waiting for where the ninjas will fit in whilst they toss about "zombies" with a dash of black magic.

 Squishy mage summons a very creepy little girl (...flashback to Resident Evil...) who is apparently the spirit of an all-knowing book. I have to say kudos on the deep demonic voice spewing forth from the vocal cords of an already creepy child. As she conjures this voice, she sarcastically explains that it should be obvious to all that only Ninjas can kill the zombies.... Wow, really? (another side note: Ninja skills are great for cleaning houses. I wonder if I could hire one to clean my house.) So now we introduce the Nin-jah... or in this case really inept Tae-Bo fighters... Billy Blanks would be proud. Remember kids learn Tae-Bo so you too can survive in a zombie apocalypse. As for the ninjas in this film they fall very short to being anything like Jackie Chan, more like Kung Fu Fooey on crack.

 It turns out the ninjas are magically able to wield a Bo Staff and Katanas... the ninja skills (or lack thereof), are actually a lot better than the so-called gore in this film. The lack of gore is now replaced with a boxing zombie... classy. I find this film is unforgettable, only because it is now etched into my mind... it's like watching a train wreck, just can't look away. The only difference between this film and the train wreck would be that the wreck would actually have blood and carnage. I can't even bring myself to talk about the ending of this film... but comparing it to anything in Star Wars is heresy, as a Star Wars fan I am majorly offended-well not majorly... more like slightly annoyed. I will say one thing, at least Jedi didn't decide to use a blaster and abandon their lightsabers.

 All in all this film is what happens when very lonely Dungeons and Dragons players get really bored. I would not recommend this to anyone, seriously... don't waste your life or money. Positive side to this film-at least it isn't as long as Titanic.

Dead Snow (2009)

 The premise of this movie is that a group of Medical Students are out in the middle of nowhere camping in a cabin for a ski vacation Easter weekend, when along comes a horde of Nazi Zombies. This enough entices you to rent it, but fair warning it is entirely in subtitles, so if you're looking for an easy film to watch this takes some effort. Though you will be relieved to know that there is an option for English, so before you press play be sure to switch it. The primary language spoken in this film is Norwegian. I did, however, watch this film in both the original Norwegian and the dubbed English; I prefer the Norwegian. It is described as a Norwegian comedy and horror film. Let me just say that this film is no Shaun of the Dead....though it has its moments where the film maker uses some camera techniques that will remind you of Simon and Nick's favorite close ups from both of their films.

 The movie starts out cliché enough, you see a young hiker running through the woods trying to escape an unknown predator, to the ever familiar music of  Edvard Grieg's In the Hall of the Mountain King .The song does emphasize the helpless bunny running through the snow trying to escape from the hungry wolf. Of course, following the rule of cliché, the young hiker falls down a slope injuring her leg, only to sit helplessly by and watch as her attackers ...... well you kind of get the picture.

After the title appears ominously upon your screen, you are then introduced to the rest of the key players. I have to say that the writer sets up the outcomes for each of them well...the hippie med student who is claustrophobic, the timid med student who is sickened by the smallest amount of blood, the two horny single med students, the long-haired med student whose girlfriend is hiking her way to the cabin, the blonde med student who is easily frightened, the med student who likes to make jokes. Then enters the creepy old hiker, who, true to form, will be the one to tell the story of the evil group of Devil Nazis from WWII who tormented the locals back in the day-who mysteriously disappeared into the mountains, never to be seen again, 'Oh, by the way......be careful not to wake the evil.' Thanks for The Evil Dead reference, which has been mentioned already in this film. Oh on a side note, apparently the Nazis mentioned were more evil than your typical Nazi......to be honest, the Nazis in charge of the concentration camps seem more evil to me than the ones mentioned in his tale of the Devil Nazis.

 I have to say, as I continue to watch this film, it becomes quite obvious who will die next and in what order. Perhaps, its from my vast experience from these type of films, or the overly cliché set up. I have yet to find the comedy of this film, just overly used plots and throwbacks from horror films of the past haunting me as I continue to watch this film. I will point out that the Writer and Director are overly obsessed with the human intestine....it's a bit much. I am not surprised they tried to come up with that many ways to use the intestine, it seems someone should write a survival guide based on that theory......Use #56: Intestine as a rope to climb to safety.  At one point, you finally get a glimpse of the "Nazi Zombie" and see them in action, it becomes quite apparent that the writer missed something on his research on what a zombie is. The "zombies" in this film are more the undead than zombie, they are a bit too smart. Last time I checked, zombies didn't need a military combat knife to kill their victims. The "zombies" did bite on occasion, but that is pretty much it, though I do like the added touch of ripping different victims apart randomly.

 Again, as the movie progresses to the end, I am reminded of The Evil Dead series, as well as Pirates of the Caribbean; Apparently it is evident that the Nazis desire only one thing- and that isn't flesh. I give this film a fair rating, for its use of gore and sound track. As far as being a comedy, that is one thing I did not find in this movie other than the lack of actual zombies. I would recommend it for those who just enjoy B-Rated films, but as a zombie film it lacks too much. Even Hitler would be disappointed.