My poor laptop, the lifeblood of my daily routine died. In the process of replacing it, however in the meantime I am attempting to use my mobile as a replacement. Not wholly keen on using it but it works.
So...now I can get back to reviewing a few films and boy do I have an interesting selection for you. Starting off with a few indie horror films mingled with just a dash of hollyweird mainstream. I know I am looking forward to it!
Horror films are one of my many passions... previously I had been reviewing Zombie films. It was brought to my attention that I should just do horror in general. Valid point, after so many of my friends made this suggestion I finally listened.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Change of pace...
So up until this point, my blog has been dedicated to Zombie Films. I've had several people in my inner circle ponder over why I specialized, my main reason being that I am an avid Zombie Fanatic. I say that with pride, a badge of honour so to speak. Though my friends did bring up a valid point, I should review Horror films in general. I think this can be derived from the fact that I am not only a cinephile but I love the messy gore of Horror. So here it is, like Frankenstein's monster given life anew... I present to you Horror: The Gory, The B-Rated, & The Cliche.
Friday, September 16, 2011
A sort of Hiatus...
So I've been rather lax in my posts/reviews as of late... been a busy lady. Convention season keeps me on my toes, which leads me to this post. I have been asked to possibly review horror films as a whole, instead of just Zombie films. A novel idea, but this genre is one I hold dear to my heart. I am a cinephile; I like bad, good, terrible, never should have been made movies. As I write this, I am watching one of those very sort of films that call to me - Bunraku. Which I might say, is an absolutely TERRIBLE film. Yet I watch it, as I have watched others.
For the time being, I am leaving this blog as it is; reviews on "Zombie" films. Just a matter of tossing in a few more of them into my line up. If anyone has a film they want to recommend or would rather have me watch first before they waste their time on it; I am always happy to oblige. So until then Zombie fans, enjoy your brains!
For the time being, I am leaving this blog as it is; reviews on "Zombie" films. Just a matter of tossing in a few more of them into my line up. If anyone has a film they want to recommend or would rather have me watch first before they waste their time on it; I am always happy to oblige. So until then Zombie fans, enjoy your brains!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
28 Days Later (2003) Danny Boyle
Said to be…
“Visionary and Scary!” -Rolling Stone
“Hailed as the most frightening film since The Exorcist, acclaimed director Danny Boyle’s groundbreaking take on zombie horror ‘isn’t just scary… it’s absolutely terrifying!’ ” (Access Hollywood)
I recall the vary first time I saw this film… to this day I still enjoy popping it into my DVD player, and perhaps when I upgrade into my Blu Ray player. That being said.. Does not mean that as always I have a few things to say about it as a zombie film, I would be letting not only y'all down but myself. In order to accurately review this film I did watch it freshly so that I was not going off my still very vivid memories of the content of this film… which leads to me to watching 28 Weeks Later, I have often wonder does that mean the next film could potentially be 28 Months Later followed by years?
So I pulled out my worn copy, slipped it into my Xbox 360 -cause that is how I roll these days- poured me a glass of rum & coke. Then sat back to watch this film yet again… hopefully, undisturbed by the door, phone, etc… It’s always interesting re-watching a zombie film to review, because I sit here in a different mind set then I usually would. My son playing on the floor getting a bit cranky because the do decided she would rather have his toy then hers begins to frustrate me as I try to watch this film a bit more closely… looking to the clock I am happy to see that it is nearly 8:30 pm which means I can put him to bed. Though now I have to pause the movie, possibly back track slightly hoping now that he is in bed, my spoiled dog will behave.
Monkeys… I have to say that watching the first part of this film reminds me of the nightmares I had as a kid after seeing a scene from Outbreak, when a monkey who was to be blamed for the rampant spread of disease when it attacked a woman by scratching open her arm.
So rage zombies… more realistic than you would think with the unknown bio-genetic viruses that are being explored. Though I will once again refrain from spewing my view points on this very explosive topic, at least they aren’t shamblers.
My first issue with this film is that if you are bed ridden long enough to wake up suddenly finding the hospital equipment to be off… you would not be able to easily get out of bed and just walk about. Once more I will save my ranting on this matter as it is often looked over by Hollywood to those who attend my Zombie Survival Panels. Now children, how many times must I tell you? Flaming Zombies are bad!! You can not give me any justification on why it is a good idea to set them ablaze…. Unless you want to burn down the city, town or wherever you are.
There are many good points to this film as goes with some… if you’re an avid zombie survivalist who insists on making a plan, there are some very good what not to do tid bits in this film, especially when dealing rage zombies. I wonder how much money Pepsi got for advertisement in this film… random I know but it keeps popping up. I feel like I should take a shot every time some one pulls out or mentions Pepsi.
The latter half of this film is more dedicated to some twisted idealism of survival… 'heh heh we’ve got us some woman, they sure do have perty mouths.' Not to say that it isn’t realistic, kind of gives you the other side of the coin view point of what it takes to survive. I have to say though the characters whom you follow closely through out the film Selena, Hannah & Jim are good well rounded characters unlike some you are presented with in these sort of films. Fuzzy feel good ending as the intrepid duo hole up in a farm house, a scene of starving zombies scattered along a quaint road…
Now what have we learned from this film? The cause of a zombpocalypse is because the hippies couldn’t leave the monkeys in the cage… also, never trust the transmissions you hear unless you want to be the tool of someone’s psychotic need to rebuild civilization. You know, in Soviet Russia they love propaganda like this.
“Visionary and Scary!” -Rolling Stone
“Hailed as the most frightening film since The Exorcist, acclaimed director Danny Boyle’s groundbreaking take on zombie horror ‘isn’t just scary… it’s absolutely terrifying!’ ” (Access Hollywood)
I recall the vary first time I saw this film… to this day I still enjoy popping it into my DVD player, and perhaps when I upgrade into my Blu Ray player. That being said.. Does not mean that as always I have a few things to say about it as a zombie film, I would be letting not only y'all down but myself. In order to accurately review this film I did watch it freshly so that I was not going off my still very vivid memories of the content of this film… which leads to me to watching 28 Weeks Later, I have often wonder does that mean the next film could potentially be 28 Months Later followed by years?
So I pulled out my worn copy, slipped it into my Xbox 360 -cause that is how I roll these days- poured me a glass of rum & coke. Then sat back to watch this film yet again… hopefully, undisturbed by the door, phone, etc… It’s always interesting re-watching a zombie film to review, because I sit here in a different mind set then I usually would. My son playing on the floor getting a bit cranky because the do decided she would rather have his toy then hers begins to frustrate me as I try to watch this film a bit more closely… looking to the clock I am happy to see that it is nearly 8:30 pm which means I can put him to bed. Though now I have to pause the movie, possibly back track slightly hoping now that he is in bed, my spoiled dog will behave.
Monkeys… I have to say that watching the first part of this film reminds me of the nightmares I had as a kid after seeing a scene from Outbreak, when a monkey who was to be blamed for the rampant spread of disease when it attacked a woman by scratching open her arm.
So rage zombies… more realistic than you would think with the unknown bio-genetic viruses that are being explored. Though I will once again refrain from spewing my view points on this very explosive topic, at least they aren’t shamblers.
My first issue with this film is that if you are bed ridden long enough to wake up suddenly finding the hospital equipment to be off… you would not be able to easily get out of bed and just walk about. Once more I will save my ranting on this matter as it is often looked over by Hollywood to those who attend my Zombie Survival Panels. Now children, how many times must I tell you? Flaming Zombies are bad!! You can not give me any justification on why it is a good idea to set them ablaze…. Unless you want to burn down the city, town or wherever you are.
There are many good points to this film as goes with some… if you’re an avid zombie survivalist who insists on making a plan, there are some very good what not to do tid bits in this film, especially when dealing rage zombies. I wonder how much money Pepsi got for advertisement in this film… random I know but it keeps popping up. I feel like I should take a shot every time some one pulls out or mentions Pepsi.
The latter half of this film is more dedicated to some twisted idealism of survival… 'heh heh we’ve got us some woman, they sure do have perty mouths.' Not to say that it isn’t realistic, kind of gives you the other side of the coin view point of what it takes to survive. I have to say though the characters whom you follow closely through out the film Selena, Hannah & Jim are good well rounded characters unlike some you are presented with in these sort of films. Fuzzy feel good ending as the intrepid duo hole up in a farm house, a scene of starving zombies scattered along a quaint road…
Now what have we learned from this film? The cause of a zombpocalypse is because the hippies couldn’t leave the monkeys in the cage… also, never trust the transmissions you hear unless you want to be the tool of someone’s psychotic need to rebuild civilization. You know, in Soviet Russia they love propaganda like this.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Zombie Diaries (2007) Michael Bartlett & Kevin Gates
This film has been said to be…
‘Better than Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later” -beyond Hollywood.com
(I wonder, did they see the same film I saw?)
‘The Zombie Diaries has been hailed as the most realistic zombie film ever made.’ -twitchfilm.net
The premise of this film is that it is set in England during a world-wide viral infection, this documentary-style fright fest records the rise of the undead from the video cams of several survivor groups. As each struggles against the flesh-eating hordes, an even horrifying fate lurks among them. “Dark, uncompromising and frighteningly real” (eatbybrains.com). The Zombie Diaries is smart horror at its bloody best.
The filming is done fairly well… gives a good feeling as if this really is an actual documentary. The team of documenters are being in the stage one of the spread. Level one as some refer to it - when things are happening, that not everyone is aware of. The team leaves London, England just as word is being spread in the local news that something has happened in New York City, NY … headed to a small village for an interview with someone who may have some knowledge about the infection being spread. Reaching the small quaint English village which looks to be rather barren, arriving at the farm of the person they are hoping to have an interview with. Finding the lights all on but no one at home they decide to head back to the village to find a local pub only to have their car over heat.
As the film progresses further into the outbreak, the filming resembles The Blair Witch Project, as the camera man runs around with a flash light in the dark.
One month later, there is just three now… from what the viewer can assume two of the original crew and an American they picked up along the way traveling to find supplies for their little band of survivors. Suffice it to say, remember kids even if you find a zombie laying on the ground and it appears “dead” be safe and just shoot it in the head. A bit disappointed in the zombies thus far… slow moving shamblers that you could get away from by walking briskly. I am simply amazed how accurate the people in this film are at headshots, seems rather unrealistic even a month after the initial outbreak. I will not rant on how amazed I am that these folks are so capable of continuously achieving head shots… if you know anything about gun training then you will understand my issue with this.
The camera follows a group as they “survive” , holding off the slow moving zombies that wander into the field of the farm they are now taking refuge at. It’s all a bit haphazard, even for a documentary… really not sure of who is who and what they are trying to do.
I find this film confusing - I have a hard time following the really plot of this film. Even as a documentary it's highly lacking. At least, with documentaries there is still a fluid motion to the story they are weaving. I feel like I am watching someone's morbid home video - though I would actually prefer someone's morbid home videos to this.
I hate spoilers, so I am trying really hard not to go into the latter half of the film… let’s just say someone in the group likes a bit of necrophilia. You suddenly flashback to the original crew a month earlier, finally to see what became of them. All I can say is that this suddenly turned into a very cliché don’t trust the locals cause they are messed up in the head. Though to be fair sociopaths are blood thirsty, too. At least they don’t want to eat your brains... we'll sometimes.
‘Better than Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later” -beyond Hollywood.com
(I wonder, did they see the same film I saw?)
‘The Zombie Diaries has been hailed as the most realistic zombie film ever made.’ -twitchfilm.net
The premise of this film is that it is set in England during a world-wide viral infection, this documentary-style fright fest records the rise of the undead from the video cams of several survivor groups. As each struggles against the flesh-eating hordes, an even horrifying fate lurks among them. “Dark, uncompromising and frighteningly real” (eatbybrains.com). The Zombie Diaries is smart horror at its bloody best.
The filming is done fairly well… gives a good feeling as if this really is an actual documentary. The team of documenters are being in the stage one of the spread. Level one as some refer to it - when things are happening, that not everyone is aware of. The team leaves London, England just as word is being spread in the local news that something has happened in New York City, NY … headed to a small village for an interview with someone who may have some knowledge about the infection being spread. Reaching the small quaint English village which looks to be rather barren, arriving at the farm of the person they are hoping to have an interview with. Finding the lights all on but no one at home they decide to head back to the village to find a local pub only to have their car over heat.
As the film progresses further into the outbreak, the filming resembles The Blair Witch Project, as the camera man runs around with a flash light in the dark.
One month later, there is just three now… from what the viewer can assume two of the original crew and an American they picked up along the way traveling to find supplies for their little band of survivors. Suffice it to say, remember kids even if you find a zombie laying on the ground and it appears “dead” be safe and just shoot it in the head. A bit disappointed in the zombies thus far… slow moving shamblers that you could get away from by walking briskly. I am simply amazed how accurate the people in this film are at headshots, seems rather unrealistic even a month after the initial outbreak. I will not rant on how amazed I am that these folks are so capable of continuously achieving head shots… if you know anything about gun training then you will understand my issue with this.
The camera follows a group as they “survive” , holding off the slow moving zombies that wander into the field of the farm they are now taking refuge at. It’s all a bit haphazard, even for a documentary… really not sure of who is who and what they are trying to do.
I find this film confusing - I have a hard time following the really plot of this film. Even as a documentary it's highly lacking. At least, with documentaries there is still a fluid motion to the story they are weaving. I feel like I am watching someone's morbid home video - though I would actually prefer someone's morbid home videos to this.
I hate spoilers, so I am trying really hard not to go into the latter half of the film… let’s just say someone in the group likes a bit of necrophilia. You suddenly flashback to the original crew a month earlier, finally to see what became of them. All I can say is that this suddenly turned into a very cliché don’t trust the locals cause they are messed up in the head. Though to be fair sociopaths are blood thirsty, too. At least they don’t want to eat your brains... we'll sometimes.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Boy Eats Girl (2005) Stephen Bradley
A mother who loves her son...so touching.. she is willing to raise him from the dead. The tag line for the movie "This zombie loves his girlfriend for her brains"....I was unaware that zombies even had girlfriends. Oh wait, wasn't there a movie from 1993 called My Boyfriend's Back.....hmm, new idea anyone? I have to say that this movie does differ slightly from it's predecessor of the 90's. I did, sadly enough, find myself watching the previous mentioned movie of my childhood. I now remember why I had not watched it since, that being said though, there are a profound amount of similarities along with a few subtle differences.
We start this film in a Catholic church in Ireland...old churches, such as the one in this film, are uber creepy by themselves... not to mention the priests who run them add to the creepiness. Not even five minutes into this film, I am already sensing a Romeo and Juliet esque plot... the boy who likes the pretty girl who just happend to be a good friend but her father despises him. This sounds a bit familiar... Oh, right the plot of the mass of teen related films on the market-My bad! So why not a zombie film. Thus far I am not disliking it... just wondering about the voo-doo factor considering this is Ireland-though the priest does explain that the voo-doo ceremonies come from a pagan book. All right then, we shall just go with that.
As I continue to view this film, I am already making the predictions of who will go first. Per my usual instinct, which are usually correct, the Jock who dislikes the main character Nathan and his lacky will most likely be the first to go. Then there is the father of the heroine, who in my opinion is a major Douche Bag. Not only is he the kind of dad who's only standards for a possible suitor is that he must have money and a really nice car, but he likes to hit on girls the same age as his daughter... blech! I think I just vomited in my mouth some. Nathan discovers his love interest in the car of some sleazy guy and assumes she is one of those girls... which leads him to drinking. His emo antics of my heart is now crushed so I am going to attempt suicide goes off with out a hitch thanks to some accidental assistance from his poor mother. This leads to a few flashes of blood, a pagan book of voo-doo ceremonies, than a perfectly fine Nathan... who is no worse for wear other than his craving for human flesh.
As this film progresses you discover one of the things that sucks about being a voo-doo zombie who is in his adolescent prime... the girls may think you like boys as much as they do. Remember no more blood flow... talk about being the nightmare for guys. Anyway I digress, comes to find out that one bite from Nathan the voo-doo zombie his victims-like the aforementioned Jock- you don't get to be a lucid zombie but the typical shambling flesh eater... so anyone in the vicinity is free game. One zombie leads to a horde of zombies, thus the "apocalypse" begins. Nice touch by the way, when the teacher tells the Jock zombie to 'spit it out' and he actually does spit a finger at him. The gore of this film is rather well done... not too much but just enough to make even a horror nut like me happy.
The zombie spread seems to be your typical phase one outbreak... though it doesn't seem to spread as fast as I would assume since it began amongst the teenage crowd. I am a bit disappointed in the lack of rampant zombies, though they did give a good try at it. I did however find a few scenes that made me giddy... there are some very well thought out moments by the director where a few zombies turn up on unsuspecting victims. Unlike it's predecessor My Boyfriends Back this film doesn't come across as spoofy, it does have it's campy moments, which are as fleeting as an old woman on a moped. I do have to say that the zombies seem to take a lot of force to be brought down... which isn't very typical of these type of films, which is in its own way a bit refreshing.
Now as I commonly do, I raise an eyebrow to the fact that the zombies can be turned back... which I have to remind myself is the way with voo-doo zombies. My first thought when this concept arises in these type of films usually relates to the sauntering few who have missing limbs, mortal wounds or even entrails hanging... which is why I find myself questioning this line of thinking. I guess if you do have to fortune of being turned back it just sucks to be you. My favorite line thus far once the "cure" is discovered, comes when Nathan's two best friends and the popular easy girl are in a closet hiding out... "We should stay in here until dawn. Doesn't that kill them?" "No, that's vampires." "What!? There are vampires, too?" This made me chuckle a bit.
The other scene that delighted me, is one with a tractor with side tillers or something of that sort... oh the zombie massacre that ensues feels me with glee. It is a bit over the top but I am one who appreciates the the organs and body parts spread across the lawn... I love these simple and subtle touches. Then it's here we go... lets set zombies on fire! Always a bad idea, but this only pans out because the numbers have dwindled down. Otherwise, any other time flaming zombies are bad... one flaming zombie leads to an angry horde of flaming zombies. I have to say for a zombie film this was pretty okay... the zombies portrayed show an genre not usually as popular. I would recommend this film to anyone who wants to watch a romantic, funny, gore filled film. Though there are times it borders closely to being a zombie porn film... course the title would work for that as well. Surprised Ron Jeremy hasn't already thought of that.
We start this film in a Catholic church in Ireland...old churches, such as the one in this film, are uber creepy by themselves... not to mention the priests who run them add to the creepiness. Not even five minutes into this film, I am already sensing a Romeo and Juliet esque plot... the boy who likes the pretty girl who just happend to be a good friend but her father despises him. This sounds a bit familiar... Oh, right the plot of the mass of teen related films on the market-My bad! So why not a zombie film. Thus far I am not disliking it... just wondering about the voo-doo factor considering this is Ireland-though the priest does explain that the voo-doo ceremonies come from a pagan book. All right then, we shall just go with that.
As I continue to view this film, I am already making the predictions of who will go first. Per my usual instinct, which are usually correct, the Jock who dislikes the main character Nathan and his lacky will most likely be the first to go. Then there is the father of the heroine, who in my opinion is a major Douche Bag. Not only is he the kind of dad who's only standards for a possible suitor is that he must have money and a really nice car, but he likes to hit on girls the same age as his daughter... blech! I think I just vomited in my mouth some. Nathan discovers his love interest in the car of some sleazy guy and assumes she is one of those girls... which leads him to drinking. His emo antics of my heart is now crushed so I am going to attempt suicide goes off with out a hitch thanks to some accidental assistance from his poor mother. This leads to a few flashes of blood, a pagan book of voo-doo ceremonies, than a perfectly fine Nathan... who is no worse for wear other than his craving for human flesh.
As this film progresses you discover one of the things that sucks about being a voo-doo zombie who is in his adolescent prime... the girls may think you like boys as much as they do. Remember no more blood flow... talk about being the nightmare for guys. Anyway I digress, comes to find out that one bite from Nathan the voo-doo zombie his victims-like the aforementioned Jock- you don't get to be a lucid zombie but the typical shambling flesh eater... so anyone in the vicinity is free game. One zombie leads to a horde of zombies, thus the "apocalypse" begins. Nice touch by the way, when the teacher tells the Jock zombie to 'spit it out' and he actually does spit a finger at him. The gore of this film is rather well done... not too much but just enough to make even a horror nut like me happy.
The zombie spread seems to be your typical phase one outbreak... though it doesn't seem to spread as fast as I would assume since it began amongst the teenage crowd. I am a bit disappointed in the lack of rampant zombies, though they did give a good try at it. I did however find a few scenes that made me giddy... there are some very well thought out moments by the director where a few zombies turn up on unsuspecting victims. Unlike it's predecessor My Boyfriends Back this film doesn't come across as spoofy, it does have it's campy moments, which are as fleeting as an old woman on a moped. I do have to say that the zombies seem to take a lot of force to be brought down... which isn't very typical of these type of films, which is in its own way a bit refreshing.
Now as I commonly do, I raise an eyebrow to the fact that the zombies can be turned back... which I have to remind myself is the way with voo-doo zombies. My first thought when this concept arises in these type of films usually relates to the sauntering few who have missing limbs, mortal wounds or even entrails hanging... which is why I find myself questioning this line of thinking. I guess if you do have to fortune of being turned back it just sucks to be you. My favorite line thus far once the "cure" is discovered, comes when Nathan's two best friends and the popular easy girl are in a closet hiding out... "We should stay in here until dawn. Doesn't that kill them?" "No, that's vampires." "What!? There are vampires, too?" This made me chuckle a bit.
The other scene that delighted me, is one with a tractor with side tillers or something of that sort... oh the zombie massacre that ensues feels me with glee. It is a bit over the top but I am one who appreciates the the organs and body parts spread across the lawn... I love these simple and subtle touches. Then it's here we go... lets set zombies on fire! Always a bad idea, but this only pans out because the numbers have dwindled down. Otherwise, any other time flaming zombies are bad... one flaming zombie leads to an angry horde of flaming zombies. I have to say for a zombie film this was pretty okay... the zombies portrayed show an genre not usually as popular. I would recommend this film to anyone who wants to watch a romantic, funny, gore filled film. Though there are times it borders closely to being a zombie porn film... course the title would work for that as well. Surprised Ron Jeremy hasn't already thought of that.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Ninjas Vs. Zombies (2008)
First off here is a tid bit from the actual website for this film, which to be quite frank made me laugh the moment I read it. NVZ has been called "An episode of Friends meets Spider Man, with a side of Jackie Chan. Oh-and then bloodthirsty zombies show up and start eating everybody." Seven friends, struggling with late 20s, early 30s life, find themselves in terrifying danger when a long-dead loved one is magically resurrected and starts devouring souls. To make matters worse, three of them have been granted the power of the ninja, and now must lead the fight against a power they cannot hope to vanquish. If they fail, the undead will overrun their little town, and maybe the world. What follows is a whirlwind of magic, swordplay, hand to hand combat, gunfire and simmering sarcasm. From high flying flips to full-on melee, from a claustrophobic last stand to a Star Wars worthy katana battle, NINJAS VS ZOMBIES is a chilling, laugh out loud, edge of your seat adventure. http://nvzmovie.com/about_us/synopsis.php
One thing I want to know is....what movie did I watch? Because it wasn't the one described above. First of all... this is not in any way a zombie film. I say this due the blatant fact that within the first five minutes of this film, the "zombie" took the token-black woman, threw her to the side, then glared into the eyes of the token-fat guy, both of whom were in the middle of a make-out session, with out eating either of them. Apparently, they have a taste for souls as opposed to the taste of flesh, this soul sucking of course turns the victim into a "zombie". Oh, did I mention this zombie can talk? Yeah, this is soooo not a zombie film... this should come with a warning label: Beware very bad acting ahead!
Make a note if you ever want to be a soul sucking zombie that you should monologue (plenty of those to be found) your victims to death and be sure to let them have breakfast as you do. Because we all know, a fed victim makes a good "zombie"... mmm got to have your fruit loops. I am still trying to figure out where the ninjas fit in, of course I have yet to find where the plot fits in as well. I mean B flicks are supposed to be bad, but this makes me want to press the stop button and chuck it into the garbage disposal.
So we buzz passed the comic book eating zombies, who seem to enjoy first editions... another side note, they like big flat screen TVs. No worries citizens when it comes to evading zombies! Just show them your big shiny TV. I have to say I did enjoy the rant from the supposed "virgin" who claims she did everything except having sex... yeah, right-that is definitely going to save you. (Nice touch on adding to the cliche accoutrement of this film.) Note to the would be virgins, this tactic doesn't work when soul sucking hordes descend upon you... some how they know the truth. Speaking of the cliche, now enter the squishy mage, oh look now we are delving into the bowls of el diablo... ripped from the pages of Dungeons & Dragons; he happens to be the brother of the bad guy. Still waiting for where the ninjas will fit in whilst they toss about "zombies" with a dash of black magic.
Squishy mage summons a very creepy little girl (...flashback to Resident Evil...) who is apparently the spirit of an all-knowing book. I have to say kudos on the deep demonic voice spewing forth from the vocal cords of an already creepy child. As she conjures this voice, she sarcastically explains that it should be obvious to all that only Ninjas can kill the zombies.... Wow, really? (another side note: Ninja skills are great for cleaning houses. I wonder if I could hire one to clean my house.) So now we introduce the Nin-jah... or in this case really inept Tae-Bo fighters... Billy Blanks would be proud. Remember kids learn Tae-Bo so you too can survive in a zombie apocalypse. As for the ninjas in this film they fall very short to being anything like Jackie Chan, more like Kung Fu Fooey on crack.
It turns out the ninjas are magically able to wield a Bo Staff and Katanas... the ninja skills (or lack thereof), are actually a lot better than the so-called gore in this film. The lack of gore is now replaced with a boxing zombie... classy. I find this film is unforgettable, only because it is now etched into my mind... it's like watching a train wreck, just can't look away. The only difference between this film and the train wreck would be that the wreck would actually have blood and carnage. I can't even bring myself to talk about the ending of this film... but comparing it to anything in Star Wars is heresy, as a Star Wars fan I am majorly offended-well not majorly... more like slightly annoyed. I will say one thing, at least Jedi didn't decide to use a blaster and abandon their lightsabers.
All in all this film is what happens when very lonely Dungeons and Dragons players get really bored. I would not recommend this to anyone, seriously... don't waste your life or money. Positive side to this film-at least it isn't as long as Titanic.
One thing I want to know is....what movie did I watch? Because it wasn't the one described above. First of all... this is not in any way a zombie film. I say this due the blatant fact that within the first five minutes of this film, the "zombie" took the token-black woman, threw her to the side, then glared into the eyes of the token-fat guy, both of whom were in the middle of a make-out session, with out eating either of them. Apparently, they have a taste for souls as opposed to the taste of flesh, this soul sucking of course turns the victim into a "zombie". Oh, did I mention this zombie can talk? Yeah, this is soooo not a zombie film... this should come with a warning label: Beware very bad acting ahead!
Make a note if you ever want to be a soul sucking zombie that you should monologue (plenty of those to be found) your victims to death and be sure to let them have breakfast as you do. Because we all know, a fed victim makes a good "zombie"... mmm got to have your fruit loops. I am still trying to figure out where the ninjas fit in, of course I have yet to find where the plot fits in as well. I mean B flicks are supposed to be bad, but this makes me want to press the stop button and chuck it into the garbage disposal.
So we buzz passed the comic book eating zombies, who seem to enjoy first editions... another side note, they like big flat screen TVs. No worries citizens when it comes to evading zombies! Just show them your big shiny TV. I have to say I did enjoy the rant from the supposed "virgin" who claims she did everything except having sex... yeah, right-that is definitely going to save you. (Nice touch on adding to the cliche accoutrement of this film.) Note to the would be virgins, this tactic doesn't work when soul sucking hordes descend upon you... some how they know the truth. Speaking of the cliche, now enter the squishy mage, oh look now we are delving into the bowls of el diablo... ripped from the pages of Dungeons & Dragons; he happens to be the brother of the bad guy. Still waiting for where the ninjas will fit in whilst they toss about "zombies" with a dash of black magic.
Squishy mage summons a very creepy little girl (...flashback to Resident Evil...) who is apparently the spirit of an all-knowing book. I have to say kudos on the deep demonic voice spewing forth from the vocal cords of an already creepy child. As she conjures this voice, she sarcastically explains that it should be obvious to all that only Ninjas can kill the zombies.... Wow, really? (another side note: Ninja skills are great for cleaning houses. I wonder if I could hire one to clean my house.) So now we introduce the Nin-jah... or in this case really inept Tae-Bo fighters... Billy Blanks would be proud. Remember kids learn Tae-Bo so you too can survive in a zombie apocalypse. As for the ninjas in this film they fall very short to being anything like Jackie Chan, more like Kung Fu Fooey on crack.
It turns out the ninjas are magically able to wield a Bo Staff and Katanas... the ninja skills (or lack thereof), are actually a lot better than the so-called gore in this film. The lack of gore is now replaced with a boxing zombie... classy. I find this film is unforgettable, only because it is now etched into my mind... it's like watching a train wreck, just can't look away. The only difference between this film and the train wreck would be that the wreck would actually have blood and carnage. I can't even bring myself to talk about the ending of this film... but comparing it to anything in Star Wars is heresy, as a Star Wars fan I am majorly offended-well not majorly... more like slightly annoyed. I will say one thing, at least Jedi didn't decide to use a blaster and abandon their lightsabers.
All in all this film is what happens when very lonely Dungeons and Dragons players get really bored. I would not recommend this to anyone, seriously... don't waste your life or money. Positive side to this film-at least it isn't as long as Titanic.
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